ACT ONE
INT. COMEDY THEATER STAGE - NIGHT
The stage is set up for a normal improv show. There is a spotlight shining on the main microphone. MEL (early 40s, flustered) takes the stage. SHAWN (mid 20s, bright-eyed), DANNY (early 30s, chill), VIC (early 20s, focused), other IMPROVISERS (varied), CASEY (late 30s, tired), and KIERAN (late teens, excited) are standing in the audience area.
MEL
Good evening everybody! Thanks so much for coming out to our humble little theater on this beautiful Cleveland night. We have a great show coming up for you, but first, I have to go over some housekeeping items. Please silence your cell phones and refrain from flash photography (unless something really funny happens). Uh, make sure to clap and laugh if the show is good - actually you should do that even if you don't think it's good (it will make them feel better). You all know all this stuff. Bathrooms are to your left, and the bar is to your right.
[SONG 1: ALT COMEDY THEATER] Lights black out in time with the music as the song ends. Mel comes back on stage and the house lights come up.
MEL
And that's our show! Go to our website "altcomedy.biz" for information about all our upcoming shows and workshops. And please hang out and grab another drink. Have a good night!
Light music starts playing and there is chatter in the crowd. People mingle on the stage, including Shawn and Danny.
DANNY
Hey, great set.
SHAWN
Thanks, you too.
DANNY
Really solid object work. I mean I truly believed there was a trash can with a flip lid out there.
SHAWN
Yeah? I wasn't sure if anyone got that.
DANNY
Well it helped that you said it out loud.
SHAWN
Hey, I know the rules, and therefore, I can break them.
DANNY
You are really good at that.
SHAWN
Good at what, you mean?
DANNY
You are good at not being conventionally good.
SHAWN
Not sure if that's a compliment or not, but I'll take it. At least I know I'm better than you.
Shawn looks over at Mel and grabs their attention.
SHAWN (CONT'D)
Right Mel?
MEL
What's that?
SHAWN
I'm better than Danny at improv, right?
MEL
Oh, come on, guys. It's not about better or worse. You're both great. I did have some notes though...
DANNY
Okay, let's hear them.
MEL
I just think you can do more to ground your characters. For example, the scene where...
Mel checks their notes.
MEL (CONT'D)
You were a capo in the clown mob?
DANNY
Right! With the silly string garrote.
MEL
Yeah. That was fun, but I wanted you to get to the emotional truth of the scene.
DANNY
You didn't like the red nose?
MEL
Listen. A clown nose dyed red from the blood of your enemies is funny. I just didn't see the why behind it.
DANNY
I was a harlequin mobster! What more could I have said?
MEL
I would have liked to see a little more humanity.
DANNY
Alright, note taken. That's fair.
MEL
Now, Shawn...
SHAWN
What? I am always extremely human and emotional.
MEL
Um, right. Maybe sometimes... too much? Like the scene where...
Mel checks their notes again.
MEL (CONT'D)
You were an octopus at the tailor.
SHAWN
Right, classic.
MEL
You could have joked about eight-legged clothing, or ink stained underwear, or anything else, but you mainly talked about your fraught relationship with your mother?
SHAWN
Yeah I thought that was funny.
MEL
Right, but maybe you could have leaned into the comedy a bit more.
SHAWN
Okay I disagree but thank you.
Mel runs their hand through their hair frustratedly.
MEL
You people...
Mel gets a far-off look in their eye.
MEL
Actually... show idea. American Idol but improv, so I can judge you live on stage.
DANNY
That sounds like a dangerous idea...
SHAWN
Yeah, because I would win for sure. Right Mel? Because I'm better at improv than Danny?
MEL
You both have your strengths.
SHAWN
I knew I was your favorite.
DANNY
Careful there, Shawn. Your "Former Gifted Kid" syndrome is showing.
Vic struts past them.
DANNY (CONT'D)
And hey, speaking of former gifted kids. Great job tonight, Vic.
VIC
(snidely)
I do the best I can with what I'm given.
SHAWN
What's that supposed to mean?
VIC
Oh, nothing. We can talk about it later.
SHAWN
(to Mel)
Any notes for Vic?
MEL
Um... just a general note... really funny overall, but you could be a more supportive scene partner in some situations.
VIC
Well, maybe these two could support me a bit more.
MEL
Yes, more support is always good.
VIC
I gotta go.
Vic walks off-stage in a huff.
DANNY
I swear, that kid is the most serious comedian I have ever met.
MEL
Is that a bad thing?
DANNY
No. I don't know.
Kieran sheepishly approaches the stage.
KIERAN
Hi, I'm Kieran. I just wanted to say you are amazing, that was so funny.
DANNY
Why thank you! I don't think I've seen you around before, you taking a class or something?
KIERAN
Yep, just about to finish Level One. I started doing stand-up way back when (almost six months ago), but I LOVE improv.
SHAWN
Well you're in the right place. Everybody here does every type of comedy.
DANNY
Stick with improv though, it's the best. And hopefully we'll see you up here someday.
KIERAN
That would be an honor.
SHAWN
It's really not th-
KIERAN
To grace this stage... that would be a dream come true.
SHAWN
I feel like you should set your sights a little higher.
KIERAN
Oh, I don't know, I think this is great. You're all so wonderful.
SHAWN
I'm going to get another drink.
Casey peeks through the lobby door.
CASEY
Bar's closing! Don't make me literally kick you out.
SHAWN
And I guess I'll be getting that drink somewhere else.
DANNY
Sixth City Backgammon?
SHAWN
Sure.
DANNY
(to Mel)
Sixth City Backgammon?
(to Kieran)
Sixth City Backgammon?
MEL
I've gotta go home.
KIERAN
Me too.
DANNY
Well, let's go, Shawn.
All exit.
INT. SIXTH CITY BACKGAMMON - NIGHT
Later that night. Shawn and Danny are sitting and playing backgammon at a table, empty glasses on either side.
SHAWN
Why do we always end up at bars like this?
DANNY
I like it. Backgammon is fun.
SHAWN
I think it's time to go home.
DANNY
Aw, come on! It's no fun without you here.
Shawn looks extremely sad.
DANNY (CONT'D)
Hey, you alright?
SHAWN
I'm fine.
DANNY
Then why do you look utterly devastated right now?
SHAWN
No, I'm good.
DANNY
You had a good show, you made fifteen whole dollars, and you beat me at backgammon like five times. It's been a fun night!
SHAWN
A good show. Not a great show.
DANNY
It was good! It was really good!
SHAWN
But it wasn't great. I could have been better.
DANNY
Why do you want to be great?
SHAWN
I don't want to be great. I HAVE to be great.
DANNY
Okay, why do you HAVE to be great?
SHAWN
(hesitant)
I can't--
Danny comes over to Shawn's side of the table and kneels down next to them.
DANNY (CONT'D)
You gotta learn to love yourself more. If you could see yourself through my eyes--
SHAWN
I don't care. That's not going to make me any better at comedy.
DANNY
That's not the point! Don't you want to be happier?
SHAWN
I'd rather hate myself and be great than love myself and be mid.
Danny stands back up, exasperated.
DANNY
Oof, that is not healthy Shawn. Did you get that promo code for BetterHelp I sent you?
SHAWN
The one you got from the Slugslop Fatboys Podcast?
Danny shakes his head because it's irrelevant where he got the promo code.
DANNY
Did you use it?
SHAWN
Yeah. I did a live messaging session.
DANNY
How did it go?
SHAWN
Apparently I'm supposed to have gratitude for my stupid wonderful intricate life.
DANNY
That sounds reasonable.
SHAWN
I have gratitude! I do! I just... I want more. I wanted tonight to be better.
Danny begins to pace around the stage while Shawn continues to sit there.
DANNY
What did you expect? That you'd have a performance so earth-shatteringly good that by the end, in hysterical fits of laughter, the entire audience would give you a ten minute standing ovation?
SHAWN
I mean...
DANNY
That they would tell all their friends, including everyone you went to high school with, that you are spectacular and fabulous and terrific beyond measure? And that you would gain five hundred thousand Instagram followers overnight because someone had secretly recorded your set and posted it to Reels and it went viral?
SHAWN
That would be cool.
DANNY
And that that would, in turn, lead to a lifelong career in entertainment more successful than that of Taylor Swift and Beyoncé combined? Is that what you expected? Is it?!
SHAWN
I mean, kinda, yeah. Some little part of me always expects that.
DANNY
Exactly that, all that that I just said?
SHAWN
Something like that. Something unfathomably, impossibly good.
Shawn stands up.
SHAWN (CONT'D)
That's what I want.
DANNY
Oh, Shawn.
[SONG 2: THE BEST OF ALL TIME] A moment of pause. Shawn weeps softly, crumbling to the floor. Danny squats down and hugs them.
SHAWN
Crying in a backgammon bar. Not a good look, huh?
DANNY
Don't worry. I've cried in worse places.
Fade out.
INT. HOLLYWOOD OFFICE - DAY
There are palm trees through the window outside. The office is adorned with comedy show posters and plants. Phyllis (30s, businessy) is pacing around the room, talking on the phone. JESSE (20s, businessy) sits at a desk and stays quiet.
PHYLLIS
(on phone)
Alright, but--
Yes, I know, and I will, I just--
You don't think we can find that here in L.A.?
(deep breath)
Okay. I understand.
Phyllis hangs up the phone.
JESSE
Bad news?
PHYLLIS
Is there any other kind?
JESSE
We're not...
PHYLLIS
No, no. Not yet.
JESSE
What is it then?
PHYLLIS
Well, you know how we have quarterly viewership targets?
JESSE
And how we always fall short of them by a large margin?
PHYLLIS
Right. Well, last quarter... let's just say it's looking worse than usual. It's looking existentially bad.
JESSE
As in...
PHYLLIS
As in this company may cease to exist if we don't do something before Q3.
JESSE
No! A streaming service exclusively for comedy nerds is an evergreen business model! Chuckle Plus can never die.
PHYLLIS
I'm afraid it might. Our show where dogs re-enact current events has not been well received.
JESSE
The Puppy Post?? I love that show! HotMilkGirlie394 even reposted a clip of it on TikTok!
PHYLLIS
It wasn't enough. It's failing. And I was the one who gave it the green light.
JESSE
What about our legacy shows?
PHYLLIS
Improvised City Council is steady, but... Naked Millionaire has been slipping.
JESSE
Oh no! That show was your baby.
PHYLLIS
I know, Jesse. And it was...
(wistful)
captivating, subversive, even beautiful when it started... but times have changed. We need to do what's best for the business.
JESSE
So what are we going to do?
PHYLLIS
We need something big. Everett wants us to cast a wider net, so to speak.
JESSE
So what are we looking for?
PHYLLIS
Literally anything. If it's comedy, we gotta see it. All the casting directors are going all over the country for this. We have to find someone really spectacular. And if we don't...
JESSE
Then...
PHYLLIS
Yep.
JESSE
So where are we going?
PHYLLIS
Well...
(deep sigh)
We're going to Cleveland.
JESSE
Cleveland, OHIO?
PHYLLIS
Apparently Everett has some connection. I know it doesn't sound good on paper, but... I believe in us. We were born to do this.
Jesse looks hesitant.
JESSE
I mean, I think I was born to make viral YouTube Shorts about the emergent psychology of earthworms, but...
PHYLLIS
But nothing! We have a chance here to do something truly special. To discover someone with the power to turn our little online video outfit into a juggernaut of entertainment. To finally achieve the success in business for which I... for which we have been striving.
JESSE
And we're going to find that someone in Cleveland?
PHYLLIS
At least we're not going to Youngstown.
JESSE
Hey! My glue-addicted step-cousin is from Youngstown.
PHYLLIS
Yes, Jesse. Everyone has a glue-addicted step-cousin from Youngstown. Cleveland is different. Cleveland... rocks! Drew Carey!
JESSE
(nodding)
Drew Carey. I guess the Mistake on the Lake's not so bad.
PHYLLIS
It's our only hope. If we don't find someone there... that's it for us.
PHYLLIS (CONT'D)
Pack your bags, Jesse. The forest city awaits.
INT. COMEDY THEATER CLASS SPACE - DAY
Back in Cleveland, this time in a rehearsal/class space. An improv class is taking place, led by Mel. Vic is present. There are notebooks and bags on the floor. Danny and Shawn are acting out a scene in the stage area. Danny melodramatically crawls around on all fours, trying (and failing) to stifle laughter.
MEL
(exasperated)
Seriously, this is improv four. No breaking! You're acting like level one up there. Danny, swap with Vic. Your new location is... uh... a drawing room.
Vic goes up and Danny sits down to watch. Shawn centers themself. Vic sits down facing away from Shawn and leafs through an imaginary book.
VIC
One.
SHAWN
Two.
Vic slams the invisible book shut and stands up. Shawn twists an imaginary ring on their finger. Vic turns to face Shawn.
VIC
Three.
SHAWN
Four.
Vic throws the book down.
VIC
Five!
Shawn looks at the book on the floor, and starts rifling through imaginary drawers, pulling things out and throwing them around.
SHAWN
Six!
Vic faces Shawn with their back to the audience of other class students.
VIC
Seven!
MEL
Remember to cheat out.
Vic adjusts to face the audience, while still looking at Shawn.
SHAWN
Eight!
They rush toward each other, their faces separated by barely an inch of air. They hold the position, gazing into each other's eyes with intensity. After a few seconds, they turn away from each other in perfect synchronization. Vic slumps to the floor, facing away from Shawn, and begins to weep.
VIC
Nine.
Shawn unsheaths a giant imaginary sword, then kneels down next to Vic and mimes stabbing them in the back emotionally.
SHAWN
(through tears)
Ten.
Vic falls over fake dead, and Shawn sits there still. After a second, Mel starts clapping weakly, and the rest of the students sort of do too.
MEL
Alright, thank you, thank you. So what do we think was going on in that scene?
SHAWN
I was thinking "Scorned Lover Gets Revenge."
VIC
I thought we were brothers.
DANNY
Maybe both.
VIC
Gross.
Mel takes a look at their watch.
MEL
Well, on that note, class is over! The next class will be here any minute so we gotta get outta here. See you all next week, great job today everyone.
The improv students start to pack up their belongings and start to chatter.
DANNY
Your scenes with Vic always seem to get so dark. What's up with that? You... you good?
SHAWN
Yeah I'm fine. It's just that my philosophy is that good comedy should not be funny.
DANNY
I think that's just straight up incorrect.
SHAWN
No, you see, it's absurd, and it is humorous, but not-- I can't explain it.
Danny, Shawn, and Vic head for the door. Kieran enters, ready for class.
MEL
One last thing: someone from Chuckle Plus is going to be here this weekend holding local auditions for a new show.
KIERAN
Oh my God.
VIC
THE Chuckle Plus?
MEL
The one and only Chuckle Plus. They must've heard we've got talent here in Cleveland.
SHAWN
(dreamily)
Yeah. Yeah...
MEL
I don't really get all of their shows, but...
DANNY
Chuckle Plus is great! They have a show where they give someone a makeover and then make them freestyle rap.
MEL
People do seem to like them.
KIERAN
More like love them.
MEL
I guess we could start doing some shows like that. What about... improvised... slam poetry... cosplay...
DANNY
We should probably leave that sort of thing to Chuckle Plus. They do it up well over there.
SHAWN
Danny's right, Chuckle Plus is great.
VIC
I love Chuckle Plus.
KIERAN
I have a parasocial relationship with every cast member.
DANNY
Well hey, maybe you'll get to have a regular-social relationship with them now!
SHAWN
What are they looking for?
MEL
It's sounds like they'll take anything adjacent to comedy. Characters, impressions, performance art, mime stuff... they seem pretty desperate.
Mel starts putting up a sign on the class bulletin board.
SHAWN
Oh wow.
DANNY
Wow.
KIERAN
Wow.
VIC
Wow.
SHAWN
This... this is a sign.
DANNY
You mean the sign Mel's putting up that says "AUDITIONS THIS WEEKEND"?
SHAWN
Yes. I've gotta get ready.
DANNY
What are you thinking?
SHAWN
Maybe a quick character scene? Or I could improvise something?
VIC
A fully improvised audition could be impressive.
DANNY
I don't know. You are such a fantastic writer. I think you should prepare a little bit.
SHAWN
Thanks, you're right. I don't want to mess this up. This could be my destiny.
VIC
This could be my destiny.
DANNY
Heck, I'll throw my hat in the ring.
KIERAN
This... this could be it.
[SONG 4: THIS COULD BE IT] After the song, everybody scatters with gusto - ready to go home and prepare for the auditions.
INT. COMEDY THEATER STAGE - DAY
It's the big audition day. Mel enters, leading Phyllis and Jesse behind.
MEL
(overly chipper)
You get in okay? How was the flight?
PHYLLIS
(flat, down-to-business)
It was fine.
They approach the stage and Mel gestures grandly.
MEL
And here's the stage. Anything I can do to help? Anything you need?
PHYLLIS
We've got it from here.
MEL
You sure? Coffee, Kirkland-brand sparkling water, anything? Anyone have any dietary restrictions?
JESSE
Oh, actually I am doing the 15 Musketeers diet.
MEL
Ooh, sounds fancy! Is that an L.A. thing?
PHYLLIS
It's not fancy. It just means they eat nothing but 3 Musketeers bars.
JESSE
I have to eat exactly five per day.
MEL
Well, we don't have 3 Musketeers, but we do have Milky Way bars if that works!
JESSE
No, not at all. It's fine, I have my own supply.
Jesse pulls out a bag with like twenty 3 Musketeers bars in it.
MEL
Well I'm happy to run out and grab more! Or pick up something else for lunch, or do your laundry, or help you with your taxes...
PHYLLIS
We're good, thank you.
MEL
Great! I'll be right over here if you need anything. The performers should be arriving any minute.
Mel hops to the side of the stage and starts fiddling with a laptop.
PHYLLIS
(quietly to Jesse)
Is everyone in the midwest this over-the-top nice?
Phyllis and Jesse begin to setup their table and camera.
JESSE
All I know is, Uber is very cheap here.
PHYLLIS
It's cheap for a reason, Jesse. I grew up in a town like this. Nothing to do, nothing going on.
Mel turns to look at them on the stage.
MEL
Actually, there's a ton of stuff to do here! In Cleveland, we've got world-class experiences without the world-class ego.
PHYLLIS
What's that?
MEL
With three major sports teams, the second-largest theater district in the country, a Big Five orchestra, and a FREE top-of-the-line art museum, it's harder to find things not to do!
PHYLLIS
Are you just reciting copy from the Cleveland tourism website?
MEL
Not at all! This is all from the heart. If there's one thing to love about Cleveland, it's...
(tearing up)
the authenticity of our people. Folks are salt of the earth here.
(back to chipper)
Actually, Lake Erie is a freshwater lake, so... fresh of the earth! This is THE LAND!
JESSE
People from Cleveland really have a lot to say about Cleveland, don't they?
MEL
Just speaking my truth. Okay, I'll let you get back to setting up. I'll just... wait in the lobby.
Mel leaves.
JESSE
Okay I don't know what all that was about, but I do know you shouldn't give up on Cleveland yet.
PHYLLIS
I guess you're right. Can't lose the faith. I just do not have high expectations for this day.
Phyllis rubs her forehead to show that she is tired. They finish setting up.
JESSE
Well, that's the key to happiness, right?
PHYLLIS
Huh?
JESSE
Low expectations, the--
PHYLLIS
(shouting)
Alright, bring 'em in!
Kieran, Vic, Shawn, Danny, and other improvisers enter and stand off to the side of the stage.
PHYLLIS (CONT'D)
Let's get through this as quickly as possible. You each have five minutes. Up first is...
Phyllis looks at her notebook.
PHYLLIS (CONT'D)
Kieran Allen-Johnson.
KIERAN
Wish me luck, guys!
Danny gives Kieran a big thumbs up as they step on stage.
PHYLLIS
Let's see it.
KIERAN
These are some jokes I wrote.
They pull out a notebook and read from it directly.
KIERAN (CONT'D)
What was the cat doing in the bag in the first place?
No reaction.
KIERAN (CONT'D)
If you add insult to injury you get insjultry.
No reaction, but Kieran continues unfazed.
KIERAN (CONT'D)
If you had a bookstore that was also a farm for exclusively female cattle, it would be called Barns and No Bull.
Again, no reaction. Kieran has put on a pair of sunglasses and taken out a mobility cane.
KIERAN (CONT'D)
I'm a duck hunter. Whenever I go hunting, everybody has to duck!
Cringes from the audience. Kieran stands there.
PHYLLIS
Is that all?
KIERAN
Oh, yes, sorry!
Kieran runs off-stage. Phyllis writes notes in their notebook. Vic and Shawn stand on the side of the stage.
VIC
How many more of these do we have to take?
SHAWN
I don't know, I didn't think that was so bad.
VIC
The one where they pretended to be a low-vision person?? That is not okay.
SHAWN
Okay, that was problematic, but they can learn!
VIC
Well, the good news is I'll have no problem beating this sorry excuse for a comic.
DANNY
Oh come on. You should be more supportive, they're new. They're trying their best.
VIC
Their best is awful. I am so much better.
SHAWN
Why not just be the best you can be?
DANNY
Yeah, like the US Army.
Shawn ignores Danny and continues talking to Vic.
SHAWN
Why do you have to belittle others?
VIC
Comedy's a competition, Shawn.
Phyllis has finished taking notes.
PHYLLIS
Next up, we have... Vic Nixon.
Vic steps up to the stage.
PHYLLIS (CONT'D)
What have you got for us, Vic?
VIC
This is a character called Canadian Gangster.
[SONG 5: COMEDY'S A COMPETITION] Phyllis applauds enthusiastically.
PHYLLIS
Wonderful! I loved the bit about the crooked mounties. Thank you.
JESSE
Not too bad, huh?
PHYLLIS
Not too bad.
Phyllis takes some quick notes.
PHYLLIS (CONT'D)
Next is... Shawn Carpenter.
Vic steps off stage as Shawn steps up.
VIC
See if you can top that.
Shawn looks distressed. They nervously turn to face Phyllis and Jesse.
SHAWN
(Italianly)
Oh, mamma mia, the meat-a-ball! I--
Shawn cuts off.
SHAWN (CONT'D)
(normal)
I-- okay, I can't do this. New plan. I'm going to improvise something based on Vic's audition.
Phyllis looks exhausted.
PHYLLIS
Wonderful. Improv is always good. Let's hear it.
[SONG 6: COMEDY'S A COMPETITION (REPRISE)] Shawn floats off stage.
JESSE
Wow. I have never seen Phyllis do anything like that before.
VIC
(through grit teeth)
Good job.
PHYLLIS
Bravo, bravo, bravo. Wow. I truly cannot believe I was so emotionally moved by a scene with a moose in the mafia. Okay, next... Danny Bernadakis.
Danny steps up to the stage.
DANNY
This is a character called Boston Mark.
DANNY (CONT'D)
(Bostonly)
Hey, kid! How's your mum? You got your Dunkies? How about them Sox? Tom Brady. Tom Brady. Tom. Brady.
Phyllis is laughing heartily, her heart opened by Shawn's performance. Danny's audition continues and fades out.
INT. COMEDY THEATER LOBBY - DAY
Casey, Mel, and Kieran are hanging out in the lobby.
MEL
So you literally just google the word "news" to get your news?
CASEY
I cannot think of a better way.
KIERAN
There are only better ways. You know Google has a news tab, right?
CASEY
I don't know, that doesn't feel right.
MEL
Just download any app.
CASEY
Eh. I don't care enough about the news.
KIERAN
Wait, let me see that.
Kieran grabs Casey's phone.
KIERAN (CONT'D)
You just google the word "weather" to get your weather?
Casey grabs their phone back.
CASEY
It works for me!
KIERAN
No wonder you never know what's going on.
MEL
That gives me an idea for a show... Improv based on people's search history.
KIERAN
Oh, that's good. I would see that for sure.
CASEY
As long as you don't use mine.
Kieran pulls out their phone and begins to check it.
CASEY (CONT'D)
I don't need to be on blast like that. I search for some pretty out-there stuff.
Kieran's eyes widen.
KIERAN
Hold on. Guys. Guys. I just got an email from Chuckle Plus.
MEL
Ooh, what does it say?
KIERAN
I... didn't get it.
CASEY
Tough luck, kid. You're young though, you'll have plenty more chances.
KIERAN
Sure, I... I gotta go.
They hold back tears as they exit.
MEL
Oof. That first big rejection always hurts, doesn't it.
CASEY
Sure does. They all do. Until they don't.
MEL
Here's to that.
Mel and Casey clink their bottles.
MEL (CONT'D)
Anyway, another show pitch - drunk improv. What do you--
Danny and Shawn enter, continuing a conversation.
SHAWN
No way. 150 gallons of breastmilk?
DANNY
I'm telling you. At least 150 gallons. Every day. And it's like toothpaste. Hey Casey. Hey Mel.
Everybody greets each other.
CASEY
So, did you check your emails? Kieran just got one from Chuckle Plus.
Shawn's face is flush with excitement and nervousness. They shakily pull out their phone.
SHAWN
Oh my God.
DANNY
What is it?
SHAWN
I got a callback.
DANNY
That's great!
MEL
Congratulations.
CASEY
We should celebrate! I'll google "pizza."
SHAWN
Yeah, I... I can't do it.
Danny checks his phone as well, and sees that he also got a callback.
DANNY
Why not? I'll be there. Look at this!
Danny shows Shawn his phone.
SHAWN
It's, uh... I can't miss my cousin's briss.
DANNY
Isn't your whole family Catholic?
SHAWN
Yeah... it's a Catholic briss...
DANNY
I know your family. None of your cousins are younger than 15.
SHAWN
Yeah he's actually... just getting it touched up...
DANNY
Shawn, Shawn, Shawn. Stop making excuses.
MEL
This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, Shawn.
SHAWN
A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get my dreams crushed, maybe. I can't keep getting my hopes up. The CEO of Chuckle Plus is not going to understand me. I'm too weird.
MEL
You're unique!
SHAWN
I'll just embarrass myself and it will all be for nothing.
CASEY
Okay, worst case, yes. It goes terribly, terribly wrong.
DANNY
Sure.
CASEY
Like, really horrendously, tragically wrong.
DANNY
Okay, that's enough. Even if it does go terribly, terribly wrong. It's worth it to try.
SHAWN
I can't do this.
DANNY
Listen. If anyone can do this, it's you.
[SONG 7: IF ANYONE CAN DO THIS]
SHAWN
Alright, I guess I have to do this.
DANNY
That's the spirit.
Shawn and Danny hug.
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE THE THEATER - DAY
Vic is alone, pacing back and forth outside the theater, nervously pacing back and forth, refreshing their phone.
VIC
Come on, come on... I'm outside, I should have service!
They refresh their phone again, and see a new email appear. They quickly scan it.
VIC (CONT'D)
Yes! I knew it. Yes, yes, yes!
They continue pacing, now more excited.
VIC (CONT'D)
Okay. I got this. Smooth sailing from here. As long as... well, there's really only one person who could beat me. If they don't make it, I'll be good. If they do... I'll figure it out. I just really hope they didn't give a callback to...
Shawn comes out onto the street. Vic's demeanor changes to an overly-exuberant facade of friendliness.
VIC (CONT'D)
Shawn! Hey buddy.
SHAWN
Hey Vic. What are you doing out here?
VIC
Oh, you know me. Just here early for the show tonight. Punctuality! My only vice.
SHAWN
Oh yeah. Mine's ice cream.
VIC
Hahaha, you're so funny.
SHAWN
Thanks. Hey, speaking of that... did you hear from Chuckle Plus?
VIC
Oh, of course! I did get one. And, you...?
SHAWN
Yep, somehow I did.
Vic's facade of joy breaks a little bit.
VIC
And you're planning to go?
SHAWN
Danny convinced me.
VIC
Oh, wonderful! Hey, I've got an idea. Let me book our flight. I'm a rewards member for every airline, I can get us a great deal.
SHAWN
Yeah, I guess that could--
VIC
We can sit together! It will be so fun!
SHAWN
Alright, sure.
VIC
Great. I'll do it right now. You can pay me back whenever.
SHAWN
Okay, I guess that's...
Vic pulls out their phone again and quickly taps away at a flight booking website.
VIC
Done! I just forwarded you the confirmation email.
Shawn pulls out their phone to check.
SHAWN
That was really fast.
VIC
That's my other vice.
SHAWN
Ha, yeah. Well, thanks. What a whirlwind. How much was--
VIC
Oh, don't worry about it. We'll sort all that out later. You just get ready for the big audition.
SHAWN
Yeah, you too!
VIC
May the best comedian win.
SHAWN
Right.
Shawn departs, leaving Vic alone on stage again. Vic sneers menacingly, and begins to laugh. They put their fingers together like Mr. Burns.
VIC
Yes, yes. The "best" comedian. Ha ha ha. I'll make sure there's only one "best" comedian. Ha ha ha.
[SONG 8: BAD BAD BADDIE] Vic takes out their phone, dials it, and puts it to their ear.
VIC (CONT'D)
Hi, I recently booked two tickets for a flight, and I'd like to cancel one of them. Ha ha ha. No sorry I'm just laughing maniacally. Ha ha ha ha-- yes I'll hold. Ha ha ha ha ha!
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
INT. AIRPORT - DAY
It's early in the morning at the airport. TINA (older, severe) sits at a boarding pass booth while Shawn waits in line.
TINA
Next.
Shawn approaches.
SHAWN
Hi! Beautiful morning, huh?
TINA
I.D. and boarding pass.
SHAWN
Sure thing!
Shawn takes out their I.D. and their phone with the boarding pass. Tina scans it.
TINA
It's not going through.
SHAWN
What's that? Oh, let me turn my brightness up...
TINA
It's not your brightness. Your ticket was cancelled.
SHAWN
It was-- what? No.
TINA
I'm sorry. Next!
SHAWN
Wait, I--
Tina looks at him stone-faced.
SHAWN (CONT'D)
Can I get another ticket?
TINA
You can try customer service. But good luck finding another flight to LAX this weekend.
SHAWN
Okay, can you just--
TINA
Next!
SHAWN
Please, just-- I need to get there today, they're not going to hold my spot--
TINA
That is not my problem. This line's gotta keep moving. Next!
Shawn's frustration bubbles over. Midwest emo music begins as he rants.
SHAWN
Please just have one tiny modicum of empathy for me here!
TINA
Excuse me?
SHAWN
I'm sorry, I know, I'm sure your job is a lot and I don't mean to take my frustration out on you but can you just feel something, can you try to understand! This is the most pivotal moment of my life and I'm just so-- it's like I'm on a rollercoaster, I get my hopes up and believe for a second that something good is going to come along, and then it never does because I'm never good enough, I'll never be worthy of anything good, I never should've-- and you are so mad at me just for existing, and again, I know, this does not look like a fun job and I'm sure emotional labor is draining but do you see that I'm another person here, my whole life I have been trying to express myself and connect and relate and I just never can, and you will never understand me, and I just--
Shawn begins to sing, and Tina looks even more exhausted. [SONG 9: I'M SO TIRED] By the end of the song, Tina has been moved (ever so slightly).
TINA
I'm sorry, honey. Next!
INT. HOLLYWOOD OFFICE - DAY
Vic is on the makeshift stage, just finishing up an audition in front of EVERETT (40s, gravitous), Phyllis, and Jesse.
VIC
This is my destiny
They'll be obsessed with me
If you're in the same room as me
You're blessed to be
No one can jest like me
There's no one left to see
You can forget about the rest
Because the best is me
I'm the best
Vic bows. Everett applauds enthusiastically.
EVERETT
Splendid. Really, really good.
(to Phyllis)
See? I told you Cleveland had talent.
PHYLLIS
You were right. Just wait. You can go now, Vic.
EVERETT
We'll be in touch.
VIC
Thank you so much, it was a privilege.
Vic slowly starts to walk away, but lingers in the room.
PHYLLIS
Okay, our next performer... ah yes. Shawn.
Phyllis smiles widely.
PHYLLIS (CONT'D)
(to Jesse)
Can you--
JESSE
Yes, well - apparently Shawn isn't here yet.
Vic sneers.
VIC
Oh, yes, unfortunate. I think there might have been some sort of mix-up with the airline.
PHYLLIS
Oh, no. I really think... well... shoot.
EVERETT
We're on a schedule here. If Shawn couldn't be here on time, that's it.
PHYLLIS
Well, maybe...
EVERETT
No second chances. Besides, we have an... excellent pool of candidates already.
Everett winks at Vic.
PHYLLIS
Of course.
Vic is still standing there, kind of awkwardly smiling and trying to not seem evil.
PHYLLIS (CONT'D)
Okay, seriously Vic, you can go now.
INT. COMEDY THEATER LOBBY - DAY
Danny is hanging out at the theater, and Shawn enters.
DANNY
Shawny! Back from LA already? I was just getting ready to leave.
SHAWN
I never left.
DANNY
What happened?
SHAWN
My plane ticket was cancelled somehow.
DANNY
You think Vic--
SHAWN
I don't know. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
DANNY
Well can you reschedule? Get another flight?
SHAWN
No flights. No rescheduling. This was it.
Danny sighs. There is a moment of pause between them.
DANNY
Take mine.
SHAWN
You want me to--?
DANNY
Take my slot. Take my plane ticket.
SHAWN
Danny. I can't do that. What about you?
DANNY
(wistful)
I was never...
(accepting)
I'm good here. This is where I belong. And you...
Danny looks at Shawn, feeling a strange cocktail of emotions - love, fear, pride, longing, confusion.
SHAWN
I'm nothing.
DANNY
(quietly)
You're everything.
SHAWN
What was that?
DANNY
You're everything to me.
SHAWN
Danny, shut up. Don't say that. I'm not anything to anyone.
DANNY
(exasperated)
Shawn, you shut up. Listen.
[SONG 10: THE BEST OF ALL TIME (REPRISE)]
SHAWN
You really think that?
DANNY
I know you're at least the best friend of all time.
SHAWN
Oh, Danny, no, you are.
DANNY
You are.
SHAWN
You are.
DANNY
Okay we don't have time for this. My-- your flight leaves in forty minutes! You have to go. Now!
Shawn kisses Danny on the cheek and runs off.
INT. HOLLYWOOD OFFICE - DAY
Phyllis, Jesse, and Everett are watching the end of another audition. BLAKE (early 20s, extremely handsome, with dog ears) is on all fours.
BLAKE
Woof! Woof!
Blake takes off the dog ears and stands up (playing another character).
BLAKE
Alright, Chester, one last time.
Blake pretends to put a record on a record player. Dance music plays. Blake gets back down on all fours, puts on the dog ears, and starts to dance as a dog. They do this for approximately ten seconds before being interrupted.
JESSE
Okay, that's your time. Thank you!
Blake crawls off stage, still as a dog.
EVERETT
Oof. That one was rough.
PHYLLIS
I don't know, I thought it was--
EVERETT
Of course you liked it. But it wasn't marketable.
Phyllis complete's Everett's sentence.
PHYLLIS
Marketable, I know. I know.
EVERETT
We need people who are TikTokable. Right, Jesse?
JESSE
Yes. Our performers have to have the precisely perfect amount of brainrot. The dog person either didn't have enough or they had way too much.
EVERETT
Exactly. We need people like... what was that one named? Vic?
PHYLLIS
Vic Nixon.
EVERETT
Right! People like Vic. You should be ecstatic! Vic was your pick!
PHYLLIS
Vic was one of my picks.
EVERETT
You did it! Vic could be the savior this company needs, and you found them. Isn't that what you wanted?
PHYLLIS
That's what I thought, but... what about the art? What about truly, deeply moving performances? When did it become all about the business? Show business, it's... Jesse, help me out here, how did I articulate this?
Jesse checks their notes.
JESSE
Right. You said "We toil at the mercy of..."
PHYLLIS
Oh yeah. I remember.
EVERETT
That is showbiz, you know. It's not called "showcharity" is it?
PHYLLIS
No.
EVERETT
Vic is the best for business. For someone to beat Vic, their performance would have to be... metamorphic.
PHYLLIS
You're right. It's not going to happen.
INT. AIRPORT - DAY
Tina is in the TSA check-in booth. Shawn enters.
TINA
You again? My luck.
SHAWN
I triple checked this time. My friend transferred their ticket to me. My boarding pass is all good to go.
Shawn hands over the boarding pass/phone and ID.
TINA
It's not scanning.
Shawn panics for a second.
SHAWN
No, no, um... check the brightness...
Shawn grabs the phone and turns the brightness up.
TINA
Alright, it went through. You're all set.
SHAWN
Phew. I was about to have a heart attack.
Tina is still mostly stone-faced, but has a glint of lightheartedness.
TINA
As long as I don't have to listen to another rant from you.
SHAWN
Oh, I really am so sorry about that, really, I...
TINA
It's alright. Go get 'em, honey.
SHAWN
Thanks. Thank you.
Shawn rushes off onto the jetway.
INT. HOLLYWOOD OFFICE - DAY
Everett, Phyllis, and Jesse are waiting for Danny to show up. They're sitting behind the audition desk with some papers on it.
EVERETT
We should just call it a day. No use waiting.
PHYLLIS
I suppose you're right. We--
Shawn bursts through the door, chest heaving.
SHAWN
I'm here... to audition... for Chuckle Plus.
Everett looks down at the folder in front of him.
EVERETT
Are you Danny? You don't look like--
PHYLLIS
No, this is Shawn.
SHAWN
Please, I... just... elevator... broken... stairs? ... please...
EVERETT
I don't have time for this. We already found our guy. I want to go home. Family Feud is on in five minutes.
SHAWN
I need to do this. Please.
Shawn looks at Phyllis.
PHYLLIS
(to Everett)
Please. This could be the one.
EVERETT
Alright, but this better be good. And QUICK. I will NOT miss Family Feud.
PHYLLIS
Can't you just stream it on-demand?
EVERETT
I like to watch it live.
PHYLLIS
But isn't it just reruns at this point?
EVERETT
I like to watch the reruns live.
JESSE
Have you seen those TikToks with the hamsters dressed as Steve Harvey?
EVERETT
No, but that sounds adorable. You know, Steve Harvey is from Cleveland.
JESSE
No way! Cleveland really does have some--
PHYLLIS
Okay, shouldn't we...?
EVERETT
Right! Let's get a move on.
Jesse sets up the camera to make sure it's ready to record the audition.
JESSE
Just go ahead slate with your name and what you'll be performing for us.
Shawn takes a deep breath and calms down a bit. As they speak, a spotlight begins to appear and the rest of the stage fades into darkness. Music begins softly and builds until the singing starts.
SHAWN
My name is Shawn Carpenter, and I'll be... I'll be doing a character called...
Shawn takes a deep breath.
SHAWN (CONT'D)
"Guy Who Just Flew For Several Hours On A Spirit Airlines Flight And Then Sprinted Up Seventeen Flights Of Stairs To Get To A Callback For What Could Be His Big Break But He's Super Nervous And Worried That His Bit Will Be Too Experimental And He's Kind Of Generally Overwhelmed By Emotion As He Attempts To Separate Himself From His Hopelessly Fragile Ego And Reconnect To The Joy He Initially Sought To Bring Through His Performance, Trying To Recapture That Feeling, That Feeling Of Pure Comedy Brought About From The Purest Form Of Love, Grief, Like That Barenaked Ladies Song That Has That Line About Laughing At A Funeral, That Feeling When You Can't Keep The Giggles In Your Mouth Because Your Brother Just Accidentally Drank Holy Water And You're Supposed To Be Sad Because Your Dad Just Died But You And Your Brother Can't Stop Giggling And Your Mom Gives You A Stern Look But You Can Tell She's Fighting Back A Smile Too And You See The Whole Pew Trying To Hold It In, Your Sister And Your Nephews And Your Uncle And Everybody Even Your Sister-In-Law Who Is Known For Her Severe Demeanor And You Think About Your Dad And You Know You're Supposed To Be Sad And You ARE Sad But Somehow The Sadness Makes It Even Funnier And Now You're Fully Cracking Up And You're Crying, Not In Spite Of The Laughter But Because Of It, Because The Funniness Makes It Even Sadder Because You Know He Would Have Found It Funny Too And You Think About All The Years You Had With Him That Seemed To Go By In An Instant, In One Single Instant, And You Miss Him And You Love Him But Also The Priest Looks Kind Of Mad So You're Really Trying To Keep It Together But It's Just So Funny Because It Comes From The Deepest Part Of You That Feeling, That Is The Feeling That This Poor Guy Is Somehow Going To Try To Bring To His Audition, And He's Looking At The Panel With Their Cold Business Faces And He Thinks About All The Other Comedians They've Already Seen Who Are Probably Funnier Than Him And He Just Wants To Express All Of This, Somehow Make Them Understand, Somehow Make Them Feel This Feeling, Somehow, Make... Them...
[SONG 12: LAUGH & LIVE & LOVE]
JESSE
Marker.
The music continues. Shawn looks down for a second, then looks up and just shrugs and does an Urkel "Did I Do That?" type of silly expression. The music concludes, and Shawn steps out of character. Everett stands up and looks at Phyllis.
INT. COMEDY THEATER LOBBY - NIGHT
Danny, Casey, Mel and Vic are chatting. Mel is facing away from the entrance.
DANNY
So his first name has always been Michael?
MEL
Michael Caine? Yes! What else would it have been?
DANNY
I don't know, it feels like it used to be something else.
CASEY
You're messing with us.
VIC
No way you are actually this dumb.
DANNY
No, I just--
Shawn enters looking glum. Casey, Danny, and Vic stop talking.
MEL
He has been Michael Caine since at least the 60s! He's--
Mel sees the looks on their faces.
MEL (CONT'D)
What?
Mel turns around.
MEL (CONT'D)
Oh, hi Shawn.
SHAWN
Hey Mel. Casey. Danny.
Shawn pauses for a moment.
SHAWN (CONT'D)
Vic.
VIC
Shawn, listen, I--
SHAWN
It's alright. It's alright. You were right. Comedy is a competition.
Another dramatic pause.
SHAWN (CONT'D)
And I won.
DANNY
You mean you--
SHAWN
I got it.
Danny, Mel, and Casey cheer.
MEL
Yay!
DANNY
I knew you could do it.
CASEY
Good job, kid.
VIC
Well, I guess... the best. Comedian. Won.
Vic storms off, sad and angry.
CASEY
What was...
SHAWN
I'll tell you about it later.
MEL
Well this is just wonderful. When do you leave?
SHAWN
Tomorrow. They want me back tomorrow.
Danny projects happiness for Shawn, but a glint of mourning peeks through his expression.
DANNY
Amazing. Incredible. Fabulous.
CASEY
This calls for something more special than our typical fare.
SHAWN
What, are you gonna google "champagne"?
CASEY
Don't need to. I've been saving this...
Casey pulls out a Miller High Life Champagne Bottle, which is a real thing that really exists.
MEL
Crack it open!
Casey passes out champagne flutes and pops the bottle. Shawn grabs a glass and holds it up for Casey to fill.
CASEY
Okay, first, one condition. When you get back there, you've gotta say hi to Everett for me.
SHAWN
Sure.
Casey pours the glass, and continues to pour the rest of the glasses while talking. No one drinks yet.
DANNY
What, you know him?
CASEY
Sure. We grew up together.
MEL
Wait, Everett Barrington grew up around here?
CASEY
North Collinwood, born and raised.
MEL
I feel like I should have known that.
CASEY
Why else you think Chuckle Plus would have held auditions in Cleveland of all places?
MEL
I don't know, I thought someone there just really liked Mr. Hero.
DANNY
So what happened? You still stay in touch?
CASEY
Now and then, not too often. We're Facebook friends. But after high school he got out of Ohio as fast as he could.
SHAWN
That's kind of... sad.
CASEY
It is sad. But it's alright. Things change. People leave all the time.
SHAWN
Why did he leave?
CASEY
Folks with big ambitions don't tend to stick around here long. And, well... now you're one of those folks.
There is a moment of pause, everyone reflecting on the time they've shared.
DANNY
Okay, can we drink now?
MEL
One more thing. A toast. Casey?
They all raise their glasses.
CASEY
Okay. To my big brother George. The richest man in town.
MEL
Come on, do a real one.
CASEY
Alright, alright. To those who leave. And to those who stay.
Everybody clinks glasses. [SONG 13: LEAVIN' CLEVELAND]
SHAWN
Well, speaking of leaving... I gotta go pack. I'll see you all around.
DANNY
Make us proud, Shawn.
SHAWN
I'll do my best.
Everybody waves as Shawn exits.
INT. COMEDY THEATER STAGE - NIGHT
Ten years later. There is a calendar that says the year "2034" or whatever. The stage is decorated for Christmas - it's a "Home for the Holidays" type of show. Kieran is setting things up. Shawn enters.
KIERAN
Oh my God. Shawn Carpenter! THE Shawn Carpenter!
SHAWN
Hey Kieran.
KIERAN
Oh my God. You remember me!
SHAWN
Of course. What, am I here early? Where is everybody?
KIERAN
They'll be here. Wow, I wasn't sure if you'd actually show!
SHAWN
I wouldn't miss it. How are the classes coming?
KIERAN
Well, I'm up to level four now... and I LOVE teaching.
SHAWN
You always had the relentless enthusiasm for it.
Mel enters.
MEL
Hey, Shawn! I guess I should act starstruck.
SHAWN
Nah, you taught me everything I know.
MEL
And yet, you didn't thank me during your Oscars speech.
SHAWN
You got your thanks during my Grammys speech.
MEL
Pshh. Grammys.
Casey enters.
CASEY
Shawn!
SHAWN
Hey, Case.
CASEY
Hey, big star like you, you want a drink on the house?
SHAWN
Sure. What can I get?
CASEY
Anything you like! As long as you still like High Life.
SHAWN
Sure, I do.
CASEY
Coming right up.
Casey goes back to the bar area.
SHAWN
The place is looking great, Mel. Better than I remember.
MEL
Thanks. It's a labor of love.
Casey returns with a High Life and hands it to Shawn.
CASEY
Here ya go, kid.
SHAWN
Perfect. Hey, you happen to know what the Cavs score is?
CASEY
Give me one second.
Casey pulls out their phone. Shawn looks over at it.
SHAWN
You just googled the word "basketball" didn't you?
CASEY
Look, it knows exactly what I mean! Cavs are up 49 to 40. See, it works for me!
SHAWN
Love it. Some things never change.
MEL
It sure is great having you back in town. You know, this gives me an idea...
SHAWN
Another show pitch?
MEL
Yeah! A "Cleveland Homecoming" type of show where folks who have left us come back and perform here again.
KIERAN
Mel, that is literally what tonight's show is.
CASEY
You've officially come full circle and pitched every single possible show.
MEL
There will always be more shows to pitch. What about... a show where a... lizard... uh...
SHAWN
I've missed you guys.
MEL
We've missed you too.
SHAWN
Hey, Vic's not coming, are they?
CASEY
Vic? That jerkbag is not welcome here ever again after what they did to you.
SHAWN
It's okay. I've forgiven them.
CASEY
Still nice as ever. Guess you can take the kid out of the midwest, but you can't take the midwest out of the kid, huh?
SHAWN
Oh, that reminds me. I actually just pitched a show with Phyllis. It's called Midwest Battle Rap. It's sort of like a reverse battle, where--
MEL
Where instead of insults they compliment each other?
SHAWN
That's it!
MEL
I had the exact same idea.
CASEY
You did.
MEL
I was this close to getting it produced too. Well, now it'll get to shine with you as the star!
SHAWN
I'm not a star. I'm the same person I always was. Just got some perspective. All thanks to...
Shawn looks off into the distance and sees Danny. Danny hops onto the stage.
MEL
Hey, Danny!
DANNY
(to Shawn)
Well, well, well. If it isn't the prodigal non-binary child.
SHAWN
Well, well, well. If it isn't the non-prodigal slightly older child.
DANNY
I don't think you know what "prodigal" means.
SHAWN
I don't think it means anything. It's like one of those made-up words.
DANNY
Sure, one of those made-up words.
SHAWN
Hi Danny.
DANNY
Hi Shawn.
Danny and Shawn hug.
SHAWN
It's good to be back. So, how've things--
KIERAN
Alright, come on. Show's starting. Get off!
Everybody jumps off to the side of the stage, except for Kieran. A spotlight shines on the main microphone.
KIERAN (CONT'D)
Good evening everybody! Thanks so much for coming out tonight. Couple of housekeeping items... please silence your cell phones and refrain from flash photography (unless something really funny happens).
SHAWN
(whispered to Danny)
That bit's still in the intro script, huh?
DANNY
I know, sad, right?
SHAWN
No. I love it.
KIERAN
Bathrooms are to your left, and the bar is to your right.
[SONG 14: ALT COMEDY THEATER (REPRISE)] At the end of the song, the ensemble shouts "CALLBACK!" and the lights black out in time. THE END